dacergirl369

HIIIIIIIII ITS BEEN A WHILE!! i feel a little bad because my last updates were a little depressi but I've mostly been doing pretty good since then. things are really good actually!! been really happy lately. got a holiday coming up soon, for my BIRTHDAY which I'm VERY excited about. been working a lot but it's not so bad. things have been good :D

writing wise things have been pretty dire though, ngl. this ALSO happened last year, so I'm not EXTRA concerned about it; I just always have less words and no good ideas in the summer time. idk why, it's just always the writing dud period for me. trying bits and bobs to keep my brain making words but not been working on anything in particular. would really love to have a big potty project to really dig my teeth into, but I think you maybe can't force that. I don't have the smart brain to come up with an idea or write it right now lmao. BUT WE WILL SEE

i have been doing some book stuff!! little bits but still. sent out a few presents for friends which has been very fun too!! though I think one of them got lost in the post rip. keeping an eye on whether it gets delivered but that might be a bummer lmao. STILL FUN TO BE BINDING I had a good time with a few things lately that I gave myself a pretty tight deadline for, birthday presents etc, so I might start just setting myself deadlines for the projects that have been sitting half finished on my desk for like a full calendar year lmao

but yeah. overall. doing good!! would like to be writing more but I'm not gonna stress about it. I do also worry that my janda brain is starting to work less a lil. not that I've become less insane about them but just like I've used up all my ideas and words that I have for them rip. but I remember I also felt like this last summer so we will see we will see. I love writing about janda and I'm pretty sure an idea will grip me soon ahahsjjajs

OKAY BYEEE

MARCH FINAL WORD COUNT: 30135
WORDS WRITTEN IN MARCH: 5885

I think it was all ouroboros. I've not really written anything at all since I posted the last chapter; I don't feel like I have any words in me at the minute. I don't know.

I want to write, I just don't feel like I can. It's like my brain has stopped working.

I've been having kind of a hard time lately. The last handful of days in particular have been really rough. I've had fucking painful anxiety and have been so absolutely desolate. My heart has been hurting almost nonstop. I feel like I have all this feeling and nowhere to put it. Been feeling really shitty and alone and heartbroken and useless and like I'm making it everyone else's problem but ALSO like I can't even talk about it. Just causing problems. I can't stop being annoying, I know I'm doing it and I can feel myself doing it but I can't stop doing it. I guess it will pass eventually. The feeling will settle down at some point. I'm just feeling so heartbroken and alone. Boohoo

I hate talking about my life online because I feel so weird about it but I have to get it out I feel like and I don't know where else to do it. I can only say it to the extremely small handful of people in my life so many times before people start getting pissed at me. I just feel like rs festering inside me and just getting worse and worse and worse. I need to shut up about it but my heart hurts and I can't stop crying and I feel like I can't think about anything else.

I think it doesn't help that working full time is kicking my ass. I'm mad that I've lost my whole weekend to being so upset and LAST WEEK I had a four day weekend over Easter but I got really really sick to the point where I enjoyed it less than being at work. I need a break from being alive for a while. And not like a vacation, I need to cease to exist for like a week and a half and then I think I'd feel better. Maybe. Maybe the desolation is eternal and the heartbreak is neverending. Who's to say.

Less depressing updates I guess:

I have to go Out next Saturday which I'm nervous about because it's like An Event that I hate to dress up for which always makes me feel. Weird. I hate to be looked at and my dress doesn't even really fit me and I don't really want to go but I already said I would and I have to support my friend. I would be so much happier if I could just turn invisible forever. I hate having a physical form that people can see. wagahahahahahah

I DO have my d20 show the week after though so at least I'm excited about that. It's nice to have something to look forward to. I did take two days off work for it despite it only being like an hour away from my house lmao rip so at least I have another four day weekend to make up for my shitty Easter weekend. Not so bad.

This is a random one but I've been getting really into Weezer lately. Yeah I don't know either.

Oh and the stardew update dropped!! I played it a good bit right when it came out but then I was gripped by the malaise. I should play it more though it was very fun.

Yeah. I wish I could do anything other than lie in bed and feel Bad. It's okay. It'll pass eventually I literally know it will but it hurts really bad until then and I just NEED to get it out so it can at least stop festering inside me.

OKAY BYE

according to my spreadsheet my final wordcount for january is 16316!!!! this is slightly below the progress I need to hit 200k this year but not by much so I'm gonna call it a W. 6 new works started, 5 finished, 1 a series. 2 gift ex fics and 4 pieces of unpostable niche gratuitous smut. also threw some words at some existing wips, too, so don't go thinking it was ALL unpostable smut. up to almost 10k on the trantimetravel fic which actually has also fallen victim to having smut in it. sigh

ANYWAY happy with this!! would like to be writing more but have felt very creative and also was a lil burnt out after gift ex season so that's WITH a little break included as well. writing a lot and on track ish so far!!!

writing this on my lunch break. not really relevant just feel the need to throw it in lmao. eating my apple rn. yummy.

OK BYE

I told myself I wouldn't post on dreamwidth until I got all my gift exchange fics done and as of approximately 1 minute ago at time of writing I HAVE!!! boy has this been an exhausting gift exchange season for me. I need to retire. but at the same time it's been SOOOO FREAKING FUN even if I did let myself get a little stressed out at the end there. I was also so nervous literally everyone was gonna hate their gifts even though I made such a effort to make them as tailored as possible for people but its just my naturally skittish and anxious nature I guess.

BUT THEYRE DONE and most people liked them (I've not heard from the last one yet by nature of it only being posted 2 minutes ago) so!!! I consider that a success. I ended up writing 4 gift exchange fics in the end up across 2 exchanges. that's literally not that many in the grand scheme of things like some people write sooooooo much but you have to understand this is HUGE for me. lmao.

now that I've got all my writing for other people out of the way for a hot second at least I can finally shift to writing for ME and return to producing the stupidest and horniest ideas possible. 2024 the year of ideas that make even less sense than my ideas did last year. and we were already on thin ice. I'm excited<3

MUCH TO BE EXCITED FOR IN THE COMING YEAR. I got Ideas and Plans and Fics and I wanna do more fandom events and am just generally excited for it. I've actually been sooooooo anxious the last few days and it's been really bad today specifically but I'm trying to focus on good things because there really is a lot to look forward to and be excited about. yayyyyyyyy

HIIIIIIIIII I got to work SO fucking early today because the bus was really fast and it's my first day on early shif so I did not know the bus would be that fast. SO IM DOING MONDAY UPDATE NOW AT MY DESK. even though I don't really have all that much to say. lol.

ANYWAY I think I've finished editing my amnesia fic now. I might do one final pass before I post it on like thursday but I think it's sorted. so yeah I'm excited to post that!! I still worry it's not very good but I found myself enjoying it when I was reading it for editing so I think it's fine??? I don't knowwwee I love to stress myself out for no reason. I get so hashtag scared every single one I post on ao3 that like everyone is gonna comment saying "we hate this and we hate you booooooo" and like obviously that's not gonna happen. probably. but I can't stop being scared about it I don't knowwwww

ANYWAY ANYWAY wrote more transfem jake. obsessed with her lately. also wrote some nb jake. been having a lot of trans emotions lately. thinking a lot of trans thoughts. as per. yeah. sometimes you just need to give blorbo the genders for your health. I've also been THINKING about my gift exchange fic which is only one step removed from working on it. sooooo. I still think I hate my idea and I might shift and do a 5+1 but I don't know about THAT either. sigh how do I have ten thousand ideas at all times until I need an idea and then I have no ideas. NOT IDEAL

oh happy basically the end of nano I could not have failed worse agshhajsjka. I wrote maybe like 700 words of my nano project. I should have just let myself do a fanfic because I'm fairly certain I've written 50k words worth of fanfic this month but I've not been keeping track of it because it wasn't my nano project lmao. just gonna tell myself that I did. no one can prove I didn't. mwahaha

YEAH not a huge update but thinking about Things And Stuff. excited!! even though it's literally 8am on a monday morning aka the worst time ever. :P

HIIIII happy saturday update ACTUALLY on a saturday wow. crazy. i dont have that much to actually say so this is gonna be kind of a disappointing update ripppp

im failing nanowrimo TERRIBLY ive written maybe like 700 words grand total which SUCKS and im mad about it but it is what it is. i HAVE written some other things though so im trying not to be too mad at myself. wrote more transfem jake. wrote an mpreg. wrote some aus. wrote more amnesia fic which i said i was DEFINEITELY gonna finish this weekend but looking at it now i probably wont rip. but YEAH. up to things!! writing has been harder since i started work but im still enjoying it. i just have so little TIME and i need to spend my not working time not staring at a screen rip. BUT still i got ideas in my head and a song in my heart and i refuse to be stopped. and im not gonna talk about work bcs its stressful and its saturday and i refuse to be stressed on a saturday thats some on the clock shit.

havent really done anything else worth mentioning. OH ACTUALLY I DID SEND OUT GIFT EXCHANGE ASSIGNMENTS which is extremely fun im very excited about the exchange. i think i have an idea but i dont know if im confident in it yet ashdgfjhsgdf. but fun!!!

OK BYE

I GOT THE FREAKING JOB THIS IS AWESOME!!! NO MORE FUNEMPLOYMENT FOR OL BEN. at the end of the interview they were like "yeah you're probably not gonna hear anything until next friday" and i was like. ok. thats like. two full weeks almost. thats a long time. and then literally within three hours they sent me an email being like "yeah actually you can work here". SO YAY

now i just need to fill out approximately one million employment vetting forms. :)

hi everyone I'm back with another classic Saturday Update. you know, the update that I do every saturday. classic benny with their saturday update that happens one a week every week on a saturday. never missed a saturday!!

IM PHASING OUT WEDNESDAY UPDATE I'm changing it to saturday update until I change my mind and change it back. lol

ANYWAY


writing

still trucking away on amnesia fic. up to 16k now and I think there's probably five or six scenes left which could be anything from 5k to another 15k. I do think there's less than half of the fic left though. like I'm in the home stretch I think. kinda. maybe not the home stretch but the second half for sure. exciting!! I took a break because I got distracted by a different idea but I finished and posted that so I'm back on my amnesia fic grind agdjsjdkskd

oh yeah I uh. I posted a fic. I posted it anon bcs I'm hashtag embarrassed but it's a uh. yeah it's porn. basically. I've never written smut before but the idea gripped me and I wrote it and. yeah.

oh also me and em started working on something together which is very fun ^_^ I won't talk abt it too much bcs were still working it through but I love to write fics with my friends :D


books

no comment.

okay some comment. didn't really do anythingggggggg I don't KNOW I've just been so out of it I need my silly little crafts to make me feel better but I'm too bleh to do it. yknow?? I need to clear my desk and then I'll feel better. I can't work bcs there's too much shit on my desk which is such an easy problem to fix but. THINGS HARD


other

speaking of things that are easy to fix but are hard to do. sigh. a lot goin on with me rn. I'm feeling better about some things and worse about other things. I've got a lot of my unemployment stuff sorted which makes me feel better. I've been feeling generally pretty better about life stuff lately, like before everything felt so impossible, but now it's like I just need to get a job and then maybe a car and then somewhere to live. that's like. only 3 things. idk

so that's good, things are kind of on the up for me like life wise (tentatively hopeful voice). but also in the last few weeks I've had some uh. health problems. that were fineish but have gotten worse in the last few days. it's nothing terrible, I'm ok, it's just been depressing and painful. and stressful. so many things 2 be stressed abt but at least I have jake and amir fanfiction. lmao

ALSO that reminds me idk yet what I'm gonna do about nanowrimo. idk if I have the capacity right now to write an original idea esp since I have a lot of stuff brewing right now, and I would love to write a fanfic bcs that's a lot easier and less strenuous on my brain. BUT. it's the 10 year anniversary of my first nano and I think it would be cool to write something original. OOOOOOOOH maybe I'll rewrite my nano novel from 2013 that could be kind of a cute full circle moment. it WAS terrible though so maybe I'll just come up with something else lmao. but yeah ten years of nano and I've never won one but I'm also writing more than I ever have been in my LIFE in the last year or so. could be my year. the big 10. idk life is exciting!! there are many fun interesting things to do in this world!!!!!!

OH ALSO the sign up form for the j&a exchange drops this week!!!!! the 16th I'm pretty sure, whenever that is lmao. it's more or less done I made it ages ago but I gotta finish it up. get it polished yknow. I'm pretty excited about it. I love to have an Event to be hyped about even if I don't have oodles of event planning experience aha.


so yeah to conclude things are bad but they are also good. the duality of blah blah blah you get it. lots to be stressed about but lots to be excited about!! sorry for talking for 1 million years OK BYEEEE <3

SIGH yeah. idk man. this fic im working on rn is kind of kicking my ass and its like, thats fine, this is usually exactly the time of year that i fixate on one ridiculous thing for two months and produce 20k of nonsense, but i just dont know if i even like it. like i think its not good?? but maybe im too close to it. i keep telling myself that if i can just get it written then i can punch it up in editing or w/e but i just keep being like “he would not fucking say that” WHILE IM WRITING IT. idk. im probably not gonna stop writing it but thats where im at. i think maybe a break from it would help me see it with fresh eyes but also i do feel like if i stop writing it now ill never pick it back up again. yknow?. anyway. wahhhhhh

hellooooooooooo i meant to write this yesterday bcs i wanted this to be like a Wednesday Thing but honestly i just wasnt feeling it so now its a today thing. had such an off week idk who is in retrograde or whatever but jeeeeeeez. lol

WELL lets get into it. under a cut this time bcs idk feels right

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OK BYE :D